Paying Up

(A piece I wrote ages ago about a bully I used to work for.)


I look deeply within them, I can see the life they hold, 
but you’re eyes are a disappointment. 
I want things to be simple, 
I want to be what I am and trust that you will hold that same safeguard. 
But as I turn around 
you mutate into someone I will not hold. 

You are not who you appear to be, 
and yet
at the same time, 
you are everything you appear to be. 
You are an illusion. 
You are transparent--a chameleon. 
I have met you before, 
in different bodies, in different times. 
You are a lie personified. 
You are pain warped into something beautiful. 
I wish the best for you and hope never to see you again.

The shame of it all is that you are my lifeline. 
You are everything to me.
I need you; 
like a slave I am tied to you with an illusion of the hope of freedom. 

I wish nothing more than to leave. 
I want to leave. 
Until I find greener pastures, 
until I find that wide open space and freedom from a truer life, 
I shall always have you. 

Until then, 
you are a painful breath I must take in. 
Keeping you at an arms length, 
I will push through this, 
and hope with all my strength 
that the Gods answer my prayers and pull me away from you, 
dear chameleon… 
you sharp lie, 
you ‘hope of a better day to come’.